The Wrong Way to be Generous: How Misguided Giving Can Undermine Effective Leadership

Generosity doesn’t happen naturally. Toddlers are not inclined to share their belongings. We all naturally want to hold on to what is ours — whether it’s money, time, or our favorite shoes or other material items.

For most of us, we learn the benefits of generosity, and then we learn to give. Benefits for some people might be the way it makes them feel to give to someone. Another person might see how it comes back to them when they give. So we discover that generosity is a really good thing, right? An old Chinese proverb says “If you always give, you will always have.”

The more you give, the more you get.

Givers gain.

Pay it forward.

What you put out there comes back.

Being generous not only helps us see others in a more positive light, but we feel more connected. And we actually feel better about ourselves and that attracts more into our lives.

But...does your generosity always turn out positively? No, it actually doesn’t. Because there’s a wrong way to give that can backfire.

The wrong way to be generous is when you go against yourself. Let’s explore that a bit.

Think about when you’ve given something, let’s say time. Often when you give too much of yourself to others, you surrender more than just your time — you surrender yourself. Maybe you felt like you didn’t have the time to give, and it took away from other things you wanted to be doing, or it felt like a waste of your time.

This kind of generosity can leave you feeling empty, exhausted, or embittered. And these thoughts produce emotions (energy in motion) counterproductive to the act of generosity. In other words, instead of allowing generosity to flow, your emotion traps it, repels it, and turns into scarcity. Which, of course, sends other energy into motion, potentially undermining your ability to lead/live/love effectively. (Remember Newton’s third law, for every action (force) in nature there is an equal and opposite reaction.)

Regret or resentment goes against the principle of generosity, which then goes against our own self because of what it sets in motion. When you go against yourself to be generous, you cause the opposite to happen.

Resentful giving is not only disingenuous, it produces the unintended result of disgruntled, insecure, and unengaged employees.

For instance, in the context of managing a team, we may feel reluctant to invest time in assisting a team member. The emotional impact (even if not explicitly expressed) felt by that individual can trigger a negative response. Although it may take some time to manifest, it typically surfaces in the form of perceived disloyalty, lack of respect, or some other form of 'dissing.'

So, the question you need to be asking yourself is: Do you resent or regret the act of giving? If yes, why? Do you feel it’s depleting you? Do you feel it's pointless?

If you feel this way when giving, it won’t have positive results.

Be aware of your feelings (hint - emotions are an awesome awareness tool!). Stop and change your thoughts about it. If it’s hard to change your thoughts, this is an area for you to explore further. It may be a hindrance in other areas of your life and well worth taking the time to work through it.

Examine your feelings around generosity (hint - emotions are a powerful tool for self-awareness!). Pause and shift your perspective on it, considering the benefits of how being generous can make you a more effective leader and result in more success...for the entire team, associates, customers, etc.

If altering your thoughts proves challenging, consider delving deeper into this issue. An inability to be generous could be a stumbling block in other areas of your life and definitely worthwhile to address.

There are many different kinds of generosity and many different ways to be generous. It's not just about your time. Whether giving an apology, providing feedback, taking time to listen, train or help someone, giving a raise or promotion, or even giving praise — watch your thoughts and beliefs around it.

Be certain you are doing it for the right reasons and that it's not misguiding giving. Being generous means truly wanting what's in your team's best interests. Violating company mission-vision-values, or even going against yourself, is the wrong way to be generous.

Genuinely generous leaders pay attention, understand boundaries, take responsibility, and strive to do better for others.

“Generosity consists not the sum given, but the manner in which it is bestowed.”

— Mahatma Gandhi

What rules of generosity do you stand by? Please be generous and share in the comments!